Unapologetic

MEMENTO/MEGEMLÉKEZÉS

Az utolsó frizura – Eulógia Krisztinek/ Krisztina Riener

Talán 13-14 évesek lehettünk amikor megismerkedtünk. Azt hiszem valami bulin ismertem meg. Azt hiszem akkor már a Drentyével jart. De lehet idősebbek voltunk. Nem emlékszem pontosan. Ugy emlékszem hogy nem igen klappoltunk akkor. Lehet épp valami sajátos befelé forduló időszakomat éltem éppen.

Arra sem emlékszem hogy mikor kezdtem el hozzá járni fodrászhoz, de akkor már a Mester utcai üzletben dolgoztak. Hát ezt se most volt! Éveken át jártam hozzá, figyeltem ahogy fejlődik a szakmájában, ahogy mindfelé kurzusra jár, egyre elmélyűltebb és egyre profibb.

Majd egy jó pár évig nem találkoztunk. Én egytemre mentem aztán külföldre. Ő közben férjhezement. Szült. Elvált. És újra találkoztunk. Elkezdünk beszélgetni.

Miután rengetek közös ismerősünk van, nem tudom már pontosan, hogy mit honnan tudtam meg róla, hogy ő mesélte-e el, vagy én szedtem fel az infó morzsákat másoktol. Annyi biztos, hogy az egyik alkalommal mikor nála jártam – jó pár évvel ezelőtt – azt mesélte, hogy férjhez ment újra egy sráchoz, aki évekig élt Kanadában, és most együtt vissza mennek oda és új életet kezdtenek. Emlékszem ebben az időszakban még levelezgettünk is, erről-arról, mert kérdezgetett, arról, hogy én hogy csináltam a dolgaimat, amikor külföldön éltem.

És elindult világnak. Itt-ott a kanyarban taliztunk, kicsit mesélt, kicsit én is meséltem, de már nagyon nem voltam képben. Figyelgettem a FB megoszásait is, de nem értettem merre jár, kivel és mit csinál. Mégis lelkesen nézegettem a képeket, mert tudtam boldog és szabad!

Most júliusban úgy alakult, hogy Pesten jártam megint. Kriszti már évek óta nem vágta a hajamat, mert nagy távolságok választottak el egymástól. Azonban, most júliusban úgy alakult, hogy a fodrász akihez az utóbbi években jártam nem ért rá. Hát ráirtam Krisztire, mert úgy tünt, hogy ő is épp Pesten volt. Hamarosan megtudtam, hogy bár még mindig sokat utazgat, már évek óta főleg Pesten él és a rákkal küzd.

Azt hiszem sejtettem a FB képeiből, hogy valami ilyesmiről lehet szó, de ismerve őt, azt is átfutott az agyamon, hogy csak bolondságból vágatta rövidre a haját. Sajnos, nem erről volt szó.

Amint leültem nála elkezdett mesélni. Az utazásokról, az élményekről, a nehézségekről, töviről hegyire. Talán azért nekem és ennyire részletesen, mert én igazán értettem a történeteit, hisz magam is megéltem hasonlókat.

És csak mesélt és mesélt, hadarva, mint aki úgy érzi, hogy nincsen elég ideje mindent elmondani, amit csak szeretne. Azt hiszem nem voltam képes befogadni minden információt, mert úgy tűnt, mintha tizen év távlatát próbálta volna belepréselni másfél órába. Csak hallgattam és ámultam. Micsoda vagány nő! – gondoltam.

Alig emlékszem valamire, olyan infó tultengés volt, de talán nem is fontos, hogy pontosan mi volt a történet, hogy merre volt és mikor, hogy kivel dolgozott vagy épp kivel élt együtt. UTAZOTT és ÉLT. FULL ON! Világot látott és magára talált. Ez volt a lényeg.

Sok inspiráló történetet hallottam az évek során emberekről, nagy fordulatokról, felfedezésekről. De az ő élet története, talán a leginspirálóbb számora, mivel igazán közelről ismertem azt, aki megugrotta a gátakat és megmászta a falakat (szó szerint). Ő mert egy nagy fordulatott venni, és mindenki szemébe mondtani, hogy: Akkor most leléptem, majd jövök! Inspiráló, mert ki mert lépni a kényelmesből, az ismertből az abszolút ismeretlenben, és helyt tudott állni. Egyedül. És mindeközben szemben találta magát önmagával és a félelmeivel, de ugyan akkor azzal a ’baromi’ erős, kisugárázással teli nővel is, akit talán soha nem ismert volna meg, ha nem indul volna el. Good on you, girl!

Az élete kezdete, már amennyit tudok az élete első másfél évtizedéről, valószinűleg úgy zajlott mint az enyém. Suli, bandázás, cigizés és kazettás magnó hallgatás a téren. Házi. Vacsi a családdal. Az élet nagyon egyszerű volt. Hétvégente ’házibuli’ valakinél, akinek a szülei elég ostobák voltak ahhoz, hogy a tizenegynéhányéves gyereküket egyedül hagyják a lakásban. Nálunk is volt ilyen buli. Oh, Jézus!

Azt hiszem, hogy a kor és a közeg, amiben felnőttünk rányomta a bélyegét a választásainkra. Ő is mint szinte mindenki, akit ismertem abból az időből, középsuli után, mind hasonló pályára állt: meló, házasság, gyerek. A válás utan pedig bulizás és pasizás … útkeresés.

Mindig vagány, talán kicsit vad csaj is volt legalábbis önmagamhoz mérten. Mindig csodáltam a vadócságát és a rengeteg energiáját. De ami miatt igazán csodáltam, az a mereszsége volt, amivel belevágott a világ és önmaga felfedezésébe! Elindult és aztán csak ment szakadatlan.

Abból a gyorsan elhadart beszámolóból, annyit tudtam kihámozni, hogy először Kanadában élt és gyorsan a saját lábára kellett állnia. Megtudtam, hogy azt is, hogy több helyen is dolgozott, fodrászként is, és ha nem tetszett neki valami, lelépett: nem hagyta, hogy megtapossák csak azért, mert külföldi volt papirok nélkül. (Micsoda nő! ) Majd tovább állt. Nem emlékszem már hogy hogyan és miért került Ausztráliába, ahol úgy érezte, hogy végre megtalálta a helyét. Sajnos a betegség közbeszólt és visszatért Magyarországra.

Tegnap, amikor megtudtam, hogy meghalt, nagyon elszomorodtam. Hiányzik. És hiányozni is fog. Mindig. Mert szerettem hallgatni a mindig-vidám-Krisztibe burkolt őrült történeteket. Ugyanakkor biztos vagyok benne, hogy a lelke most is utazik és őrültködik 😊, de most már általam nem érzékelt magaslatokban.

Isten veled Drága Kriszti!

My Lenten revelation

So how is your Lenten season going?

Mine is going pretty well. Rather interesting! Honestly, it is beyond my expectations!

I am once again surprised at what different focus means. Just by setting an intention to ‘release’ any limiting beliefs during this season, suddenly, I am made aware of different patterns that I run within myself that do not serve me.

During my contemplations this Lenten season I became very clear of a pattern that I learnt as a child and also a pattern that I developed as a child in order to protect myself.

When I was a child under the communistic and socialistic ideology of a central European country, we were basically drilled to become soldier like creatures. The first and most important qualities of a human being were to be obedient and disciplined. We had to recognise authority, especially the authority of our superiors and the leaders of the party. We were even discouraged to think for ourselves but blindly follow command.

As a result of that, I became resentful but I still adopted to a great extend to the belief system of my environment. On the other hand, however, I became painfully aware that I was not a good soldier. I simply did not agree with the way we were treated. And so, I became rebellious in an artistic way which meant that I was troublesome and was in constant detention.

As a response to that, in order to protect myself from the constant scolding, I adopted a ‘service like’ attitude towards my main carer or people in a ‘caring’ position, figures of authority, so to feel safe in the world that seemingly detested me for who I was.

As my ‘service’ to those whom I needed to take care of me, I allowed to let their fears, frustrations and other unmanageable feels down on me. I basically became a punchbag.

I suspect that I felt strong enough to take it all on. At the same time, I am sure that I was also afraid of being rejected from society and from the groups of my peers because I wasn’t able to get in line with all the other silent sufferers.

So, the other day, I had this painful experience where I noticed how I actually go about running this pattern. I found myself in a situation where I was in disagreement with a figure of authority whom I felt, I was dependent on for something. I noticed, how I made the conscious choice to allow him to run his fear and disagreement down on me using abusive language. I also realized that I am doing that in order to smooth out the discord between us. I hurt myself so the other person can feel better, hoping that this way he would accept me and support me.

I lived most of my life with this limiting belief and behavioural pattern.

On one hand, my learning is to know and understand that people have the ability to deal with their own issues, problems, fears, and challenges and I don’t have to step in and ‘save the day’. On the other hand, it is time for me to let go of the fear that I can be harmed or I won’t be taken care of, just because I think differently or disagree.

So this is my Lenten season revelation so far. As my release and renewal affirmation, I affirm that

I let go of my need to feel safe by diffusing situations with figures of authority. I let go and release feelings of inadequacy the drives me to take on more than my share in any situation. I embrace myself knowing that I am good in God just as I am. I am lovable, acceptable, and I don’t need to take over any additional burdens in order to be loved.

 

audio version of the above

GRACE

Audio PODCAST version of text below.

Grace
The grace of God flows freely through me.

This is today’s Daily Word. Interesting.

Do you know why people in pain chose alcohol – or other drugs – over God? Because God does not ‘operate’ in the physical. God can ‘only’ (I say it lightly) work with the physical through us, those who has a living soul in them. People do, among many other. Though God’s energy is everywhere, like a cobweb runs through all of existence, decided action is a privilege of human beings.

God waits. God waits endlessly for humans to turn to ‘him’, chose ‘him’ and allow ‘him’ to work through the person’s faculties.

So, why don’t we chose God if it is so easy?

I am writing below comes from a personal experience.*

When you experience rejection, abuse, neglect or similar not so nice experiences as a child, you make a decision about yourself which is, in most cases, ‘I am no good’ (or similar). As an ‘unlovable’ being you perceive God as a distant punishing figure, if at all, and turn away knowing that you are alone. As a result of that, you take on a ‘strategy’ to cope in life – which is so colorfully laid down in the system of the Enneagram.

The foundation of the ego – our defense mechanism – is hurt feelings that are mostly acted out either as a narcissist, a victim or a bully. I know it is hard to recognize it because all these are covered up by layers and layers of tactics and mechanics. 🙂

*As a child, when I learnt that I was ‘no good’, I decided to become ‘helpful’. I looked around and found that what people around me needed is someone to let their frustration down on. Most of them were mentally ill of the torture and fear they had had to endure, it made them mad. So, I toughened up and offered my services as a ‘scapegoat’. I spent the past 45 years doing that in many ways.

You see the truth is, that, at the end of the day, it is just old pain and anguish that is the result of not allowing God to come in and help which is Grace.

Grace is not a miracle.

Grace is a turning back, facing the music – the original pain, the decisions we made about ourselves, the struggle we have been through – and laying it all down at the feet of God. It is surrendering.

This is NOT EASY at all. That’s why we chose a distraction be it alcohol, drug, sex, games, films, relationships, cooking … anything that keeps our minds off the hurt, the anger, the resentment, the pain, over God.

It is because in God, or with God, we must become vulnerable, we must go back to the original sin which is turning away thinking that God has forsaken us, and forgive. We must forgive the wasted years that we spent on making it ‘right’. We must cry the tears, howl in anguish, feel the penetrating fear of thunder until it dissipates and we are left as an empty vessel for God to fill.

Practically, what it all means is that you must stop fighting and distracting. Honestly, in my experience, it takes courage and perseverance and long … long … time. And then, one day, you decide to take on God’s offer and allow him to work through you. Not instead of you though! 🙂

Holy Innocents

The Feast of the Holy Innocents

The story behind the Feast

Feast of the Holy Innocents, also called Childermas or Innocents’ Day,  is a Christian feast in remembrance of the massacre of young children in Bethlehem by King Herod the Great in his attempt to kill the infant Jesus (Matthew 2:16–18). The feast is observed by Western churches on December 28 and in the Eastern churches on December 29. The slain children were regarded by the early church as the first martyrs. The day is still observed as a religious feast day and, in Roman Catholic countries, as a day of merrymaking for children. SOURCE

HOW TO OBSERVE
On this day it is custom to give the youngest child in the household the power to rule the day. From what to eat, where to go, and what to do, the youngest is in charge. In Mexico, it is a day for children to play practical jokes and pranks on their elders.  SOURCE 

#HolyInnocentsDay

 

Though the story behind the Feast is rather gruesome, the idea is hilarious! Can you imagine a day lived like a child again? Children have no filter! They go with the flow regardless of consequences. What a feeling! How freeing! I am surprised that the Holy Innocents’ Day/Feast is not celebrated more widely with greater vehemence! We could do with a little more unfiltered fun!

We loose our innocence way too soon. We learn that our childlike ways will not suffice in the adult world. So we release our unicorns and imaginary friends and hide them in the back up our minds until they eventually vanish. We grow up and fit in, never looking back. Wouldn’t it be fantastic to be children again, just for a day? Wouldn’t it be great to believe again that our imaginary friend has special powers and can solve all our problems? Wouldn’t it feel special to know that the unicorn can fly us to any odd place that we come up with? Wouldn’t it?

The Essence of who I am

People around me, my life experiences, my successes and failures, the shape of my body or the colour of my hair do not define me.

I don’t know why I chose this life. Neither do I know why I chose these particular circumstances and experiences. They are mostly difficult, challenging and often lonely. And still, none of this changes the fact of who I am both as a Soul and as a person. Not even my flaws dim the essence of who I am, the fascinating and loving person that I am.

I grew up with deep seated fear and hatred around me. I learnt to believe that people are nasty and vicious because I did something wrong to hurt them. In return, naturally, they blamed me for feeling wretched. It took me 52 years to know that none of this has anything do with me.

I may live in (with) it but I am not of it. At all. I never have been. My experiences does not say anything about who I am, they just remind me of what I need to learn or let go of this lifetime.

In life, we are mostly judged by our appearances but I do not need to buy into that. What I am learning is that all of ‘this’ – the way the world sees me, experiences me, and reflects itself back to me – is irrelevant to who I truly am.

I spent most of my life proving myself and wanting the world to recognize me and see me for the wonderful and unique person that I am. I am now realizing that I chose the wrong crowd because my uniqueness is not of this world.

As an artist, my most precious audience is my source: the indwelling Divine power that supplies both the inspiration and the applause.

I chose a burdensome life but it does not mean that there is anything wrong with me. Actually, my life is teaching me to see what an absolute gem I am.

Featured image is by Kandinsky

Another learning …

‘If you fraternize with pig’s food, you will be eaten by the swine. This is a Hungarian saying telling you to choose your company wisely.

I was thinking about this saying this morning wondering how clever it is. It is unavoidable to be in contact with people who are not-your-sort. Life is not meant to be a glorious ride void of any challenges, mishaps and … creatures who are bonkers. (affectionately 🙂 

There is this well-meaning, slightly disabled lady who wants to participate in my programs but since she has hearing issues she keeps on nagging me to subtitle every video I make and give her allowances because of her ‘disability’. 

Though I appreciate the sentiment and I am inclined to support wherever I can, I have the sneaking suspicion that she just wants sympathy and attention, a lot of it. She wants to attend every program I run, but she simply cannot because I do not make it possible for her. Well, why don’t you?

To cut a long story short, I decided not to respond to her requests and emails any more. I bid her farewell on her journey to self-discovery that she claims to be trotting along. 

And I am taking another learning from life …

Nobody can be helped beyond what s/he can do for him/herself. 

 

REVERENCE TIPS Day1

40 days Nativity Fast, Advent, Hanukkah

What do they have in common?

Opportunities! 🙂

This time of year is full of opportunities to de-garbage and re-focus on Spirit, the Essence within. I am aware that when I make an effort to slow down and centre myself in the Silence, my life blossoms in many unexpected ways.

HOWEVER, it is soooo easy to slip into busy-mode and make ‘life’ and my to-do-list more important than my spiritual being. So …

Today on the 28th November 2021, we started the 40 days until Orthodox Christmas Day on the 6th January.

We celebrate Christmas on the 25th December which is about half way to the Orthodox Christmas Day in January. Also, form today we are observing Hannuka for a week.

I like the idea of Nativity Fast. There are many ways to understated ‘fasting’. I look at it thorough the lens of cleansing. I think , I will use the next 40 days to cleanse my consciousness from ‘garbage’.

Interestingly, this time of year, I am also crazy busy. It seems that I am somehow wishing to be more Spirit-centered but I am also afraid of it. Sowing down and sitting in the silence also means that I need to face what’s bothering me or I am afraid of. Though it is uncomfortable it is also a great opportunity to release all that and re-centre myself in the peace and calm of the world of Spirit.

So, I decided to do a 40-day spiritual cleansing. I have also promised myself to make it manageable so I will actually do it.

Starting today, I will spend at least half an hour every day with nourishing myself Spiritually. I will experiment with different creative and artistic ways and will report on them.

Today I meditated for an hour so to start the process off. 🙂 TICK. Honestly, it was hard. I spent most of it either doozing or swimming in endless thoughts.

Listen to this meditation. Lovely!

It will get better! <3

Interview PODCAST

Introduction to self-love

How I integrated self-knowledge in my work and uncovered my passion

Chat on healthy boundaries and practical tools to set healthy boundaries; how to love self under any circumstances.

how to help those who cannot help themselves

SUMMARY

Final chat and closing.

Why is it so scary being yourself?

I am not sure exactly. But there is an element of unsafely in being true to ourselves that is almost inexplicable. The only way to notice this fear is to sit in the silence for a while and watch how the nerve-wracking inner tension caused by the world starts easing away.

The more I put myself out there with my little creative treasures, the more scary it gets. Being refused or rejected is not a great feeling but tolerable. However, for me, being ridiculed for my most precious gifts is heart-breaking.

We all have these little pearls of great price within us, the unique attributes of our soul.

As children, each time we were told off for having drawn on the wallpaper or on the furniture, or when we were punished to be too energetic and running around the house, or when we put into detention for chatting during the class with a classmate who needed our support, we learn that we are not OK as we are.

As a result of that, we start hiding our little precious treasures and start wearing a mask that reflects what the world around us wants to see us being. With that inner betrayal, we loose contact with ourselves and turn to the world for satisfaction and love.

When we take the courage to start turning within, first we must confront the pain of treachery. Not easy. Sometimes it takes years of forgiveness to release the pain caused by our disloyalty. And it is still not the end of the road.

As soon as, we regain our sense of true self, a trust issue starts emerging with an immense sense of fear saying ‘what if it happens again? What if you betray me again? How can I trust you again?’ Will you now stay by my values and needs or will you sell out again?’

This is the second leg of the journey, walking though the fires of fear.

What is new in this Creative DEN?

ON A PERSONAL NOTE

WHAT IS NEXT FOR MY PROJECTS

A NEW PROJECT

Check out the NEW WEBSITE that I have created HERE

https://www.ildikokudlik.com/snailfarm/