for when you are not feeling good enough …
CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE
by Dorothy Law Nolte
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns
confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he
learns to find love in the world
I would like to invite you to experiment with COMPASSIONATE INSIGHT
What is this experiential talk about
What is (self) compassions and why is it important?
Introducing Compassionate Insight as a tool
- the components of this tool
- How is this tool relevant to Unity’s 5 principles and how it supports our spiritual advancement
Personal Journey with Compassion
What is compassion?
TASK1
Close your eyes for a moment and reflect on the following:
Think about different times when you have had a close friend who was struggling in some way – had a misfortune, failed or felt inadequate. How do you typically respond to your finds in such a situation. What are the word that you use. What is you posture? Any non verbal gestures? Make some notes (3 min) Make some notes.
How would you define compassion?
What is self-compassion?
TASK2
Now think of a time when you made a mistake, failed or did not perform as you were expected.
Do you treat yourself the same way you treated your friend? If not, what difference do you notice? Make some notes.
So, what is self compassion?
A state of loving, self-connected presence. What do you think it means?
Through self-compassion we become an inner ally instead of an inner enemy.
Self-compassion gives us the safety we need so we can allow ourselves to go through a difficult experience and heal it without becoming overwhelmed.
Who is the ‘inner enemy’ and how does it operate?
Sneaky little fellow
Have you ever felt judged? Write down some incidents when you have. Would you like to share?
Who do you think is the real ‘judger’ here?
YOU!
Interestingly, you cannot sense someone judging us without you having the ‘hook’ (the initial judgment) sitting already in your consciousness. It is similar to colour blindness. You cannot see the colour without having the ability.
EVERYTHING IS WITHIN US: both the limitation and the loving spark of God which is the solution.
The ‘inner enemy’ is Self-Criticism/Self-Judgment
With self-criticism, we are both the attacker and the attacked.
When we feel inadequate, our self-concept is threatened, so we attack the problem— ourselves! And so, we become our own enemies.
When we feel unworthy or not good enough it is often stem from self-judgment and an inner feeling or inadequacy.
INSIGHT
Yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding; Proverbs 2:3-6
Why is insight into one’s self so important?
Insight gives us the chance to see our ‘errors’ – the beliefs, patterns of behaviour, thinking patterns that separate us from the Divine Presence. We are usually greatly invested in these limitations because we formed them as self protection as children. However, most of them do not function as support any more but limitations as we are adults now.
Secondly, we cannot express compassion towards our flaws if we not see them
Finally, pains and wounds can only start healing when we start looking at the ‘covering layers’ which often appear as limitations and errors.
Visualization
We will remember a time when we felt unworthy and/or not enough. I would like to encourage to allow an event to emerge and feel the feelings that go with it. Some paper, pen, pencils.
TASK3
Think about a current struggle you are going through in your life – one that is not too serious. Maybe you had a fight with someone and said something that you regret. Or you had a work assignment that did not work out as you had hoped or similar. Make some notes about the situation focusing on the ‘story’ you tell yourself about the problem. Make some notes/create some drawings of the feelings/write words that you ‘tell yourself’.
Now, write down some painful or difficult feelings you may be having about the problem. Validate the difficulty of the situation. Forex ample. I am feeling really frightened that … It is difficult for me to feel this right now. … Make some notes/create some drawings of the feelings/write words that you ‘tell yourself’.
Next write down any ways you maybe feeling isolated by the situation. For example, are you assuming that your work should be perfect or you should be a more considerate friend or that it is not OK to make mistakes? “Nobody makes such silly mistakes”, etc. What beliefs about yourself did your actions violate? Eg. I am such a precise person … I am usually so patience a friend … etc. Make some notes/create some drawings of the feelings/write words that you ‘tell yourself’.
Please put these notes on the side for the moment.
The healing can begin now!
All these that you have just discovered needs healing through opening to the loving. It can be however difficult while we are sitting with the judgement and criticism.
Judgment and criticism closes us down and separates us from the Loving that resides within us. By self-compassion we open ourselves to the Greater Loving that is from God/Divine.
We can develop a compassionate way to support our unfolding and developing in Spirit and in God.
The tool
What is (SELF)-COMPASSIONATE INSIGHT?
It is a tool that can support you to cultivate a state of loving, self-connected presence for yourself.
The part that is hurting as a result of the judgement needs love and embrace in a safe environment. You are the person who creates that environment for yourself.
- INSIGHT – focuses on the experience and gives us the information we need so we can consciously start embracing placing within ourselves that is hurting or wounded.
2. ACCEPTANCE – allows us to stay present and connected to both the experience and the feelings connected to the experience without needing to change anything
3. LOVING KIDNESS – embraces the entirety of the experience and ourselves in it. When we make a mistake or fail in some way, we are more likely to beat ourselves up that put a supportive arm around our won shoulder. Rather than being harshly critical when noticing our shortcoming we are supportive and encouraging.
Compassion with understanding, acceptance and loving kindness help hold ourselves in high regard and convey comforting thoughts and generate comforting feelings
A word of caution!
ACCEPTANCE and Letting go of resistance
We block our acceptance when we resist what is. There are two aspects of resistance: expectations and denial
Acceptance means that even though we may not like what’s happening, we acknowledge that it is happening and can let go of the fact that things aren’t exactly the way we want them to be.
What we resist persist.
CONSIDER THIS
Can you name any issues or challenges that keep on reoccurring in your life? Is there something that you have noticed that people criticize about you? Make some notes
If so, it is likely that you resist acknowledging (becoming aware of) something about yourself and noticing self-criticism because it may cause you some pain.
We are often afraid of acknowledging a problem hoping that it will go away on its own. It is because we are afraid of feeling the discomfort that comes with looking at our flows and self-judgements and/or afraid that we may not be able to do anything about the problem.
What we can feel, we can heal.
How does Self-compassion fits with the 5 principles of Unity?
1. “God Is.” God is Absolute Good, everywhere Presence. God is not an entity that is present; God is the very presence of all life. We can count on (and therefore trust) God as principle of good: eternal, infinite, and unchanging.
2. “I AM.” Human beings have a spark of divinity within them, the Christ Spirit within. Their very essence is of God and therefore they are also inherently good. This is our experience of God as personal.
3. Law of Mind Action (LMA) / “I Think.” Human beings create their experiences by the activity of their thinking. Everything in the manifest realm has its beginnings in thought. Thoughts held in mind produce after their kind.
4. Affirmative Prayer / “I Pray.” Prayer is the most creative form of thought; prayer heightens the conscious connection with God-Mind and therefore brings forth wisdom, wholeness, prosperity and everything good. Prayer does not change God! Prayer changes us – by expanding our consciousness.
5. Living the Truth / “I LIVE!” Knowing and understanding the laws of life, also called Truth, are not enough. A person also must live the Truth that she or he knows. This is basis of practical Christianity – the ability to live the Truth.
No. 5 – Self-Compassionate Insight is a Loving action to self that support us to unfold in all the other principles.
TASK 4
Take out the piece of paper and look at your notes about the recent unresolved problem or issue you have been dealing with and the thoughts and emotions around it.
Are you aware of anything else about this situation that you wish to add? Make notes
Now start bringing understanding and acceptance to the situation. Remind yourself that you are probably not alone with this problem .e.g. say to yourself “Probably it is nature to feel frightened and uncomfortable after having made a mistake or said something unkind. “It is very likely that there are other people facing similar situations right now.” DO NOT dismiss the problem )thoughts and emotions) simply ACCEPT IT as it is verbally.
Now, become aware of the difficult feelings you are feeling. Write them down.
MEDITATION Release and Embrace
Release the criticism, judgement, thoughts, feelings in a ball.
Imagine that you are a caring mother of a small child of about 5 years old. What kind of kind words would you tell him/her if s/he was feeling the same feeling you are feeling now? E,g, “I am sorry your are feeling frightened right now.” “I am here for you.”
Hold the image of this beloved person (child) in your minds eye and tell them:
May you be happy,
may you be peaceful,
may you be healthy,
may you live with ease and grace.
Put your hand on your heart, feel the warmth and gentle pressure of your hand. Move your focus onto yourself and say to your self:
May I be happy,
may I be peaceful,
may I be healthy,
may I live with ease and grace,
Before opening your eyes, just accept the experience as it is.
affirmation + draw
I am …
From now on …
So, what can I do right now to express a compassionate action towards myself? (after our meeting)
I keep on reminding myself of the 5th principle which is ‘love in action’. Love in action for me is compassion. Compassion helps me see myself and humanity as a product of ‘evolution’. Each time we fail because of error thinking, compassion helps me overcome the disappointment because I know that we are all perfect Loving in God.
DISCUSSION and FEEDBACK
- What was it like for you?
- How are you feeling right now?
- What is your understanding of ‘a state of loving, self-connected presence’ ?
- Sharing?
Recap – BENEFITS OF SELF-COMPASSION
Cultivating a state of loving, (self)connected presence can change our relationship with ourselves and the world around us.
People who are more self-compassionate experience greater well-being, both physically and mentally.
Practicing compassionate insight can transform how you relate to yourself and in turn can transform your life experiences.
LYRICS
When we woke up
The world was figured out
Beyond the beauty we’ve dreamt about
This brilliant light is brighter than we’ve known
Without our darkness to prove it so
Still, we can’t help but to examine it
To add our question marks to periods
At the foot of our bed, we found an envelope…
“You are enough”
These little words, somehow they’re changing us
“You are enough”
So we let our shadows fall away like dust
When we grew up
Our shadows grew up too
But they’re just old ghosts
That we grow attached to
The tragic flaw is that they hide the truth
That you’re enough
I promise you’re enough
I promise you’re enough,
I promise you
“You are enough”
These little words, somehow they’re changing us
“You are enough”
So we let our shadows fall away like dust
“You are enough”
These little words, somehow they’re changing us
Let it go, let it go, “you are enough”
So we let our shadows fall away like dust
Material based on Neff, Kristin; Germer, Christopher. The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook (p. 31). Guilford Publications. Kindle Edition.
Picture source Unity Worldwide Ministries CLICK
