Category: ANI-HU

Audio Version

There has always been a dark hole since I was born.
At the beginning when I was surrounded with loving care there was still a tangible darkness present.
The regime made our lives a misery.
The mental illness that lingered in every room made me feel insecure.
There hasn’t been a moment in my life when I felt at peace.
I know no peace. I do not know how to relax.
My life is a roller-coaster of anxiety, depression and a sense of helplessness.

Now when I am down – it happens more often these days, now that we are in COVID-wave2, because suddenly I started to feel trapped again – I sit with it. Though there are a lot of ‘uplifting’ ways to ensure that I do not feel depressed, I still prefer staying with it.

Depression is part of my tapestry. I grew up with mental illness, depression and suicide around me. I recognize these beasts that tear life out of the living through the weak nerves. These beast operate like spiders, they web your thoughts first, then they paralyze you and finally they take over your whole life.

In my observation, most people with depression try to treat themselves with a form of addiction – drugs, alcohol, games, sex, etc . Unfortunately, none of these cure the ailment of the mind. Instead these hold the victim even more bound in depression and anxiety; in a dark hole where they are now digging themselves in even deeper.

I now think that both anxiety and depression are distillation of earlier events into a pitcher of darkness filled with paralyzing fear.

The spiritual and meditative path that was shown to me 20 years ago has been a blessing. It has not turned my life into a constantly blossoming flower garden though. It has, however, contributed to me becoming more accepting of it. Therapeutic-art became my tool and companion in discovery and release. Whatever shows up, I look at it and put it down on paper. And so we meet, face to face. As a next step, I usually allow my inner light, my personal healing power to shine through the darkness by creating ‘Illumination’ Mandalas.

Though I still do depression and occasionally I allow it to run me for a while, I have also become an observer to it. And this is the key. I now sit with my beasts: my anxieties and my depression. They are dark forces that make my heart ache and they exhaust me to the bone. I know both of them well. I call them relatives. I have understood over the years that they are my companions this lifetime. I can sedate myself to the point where I do not recognize them any more but it is not necessary. They do not have control over me any longer because now I recognize them. I look into them, into the darkness, I see them, they see me, and I am not afraid. I am not scared of falling into that pit any more because I have awareness of it.

It is like walking on an unknown land. Until you know the territory, you are afraid of falling into a trap. I know this territory well now. When they show, I just sit with them and let them speak to me. I let them show me the lesson. They are my personal TV-Show-Hosts. They appear on the screen to introduce the next program on my main channel called Life.

By not trying to squash or numb my depression and anxiety but allowing them to be, they let me be. We co-exist. They are part of me. They want to be recognized, accepted, and embraced in the totality of who I am.

Most of the pics are my own. Top pic artist is unknown.