UP-CLOSE & PERSONAL – In preparation for Lent
Today is Ash Wednesday, and I was wondering what to focus on for this Lenten season.
So, what is my personal focus for Lent this year? What am I going to FAST on or LET GO OF?
My intention is to stand my ground and allow others to be in their upset without me being in reaction with them. I will only take responsibility for what is mine!
So, the story behind my Lenten intention is called ‘what makes a good person‘.
When I was a child I was told that good people are smiley, kind, agreeable, approachable, generous, disciplined, obedient and such, someone who makes others feel good and happy. So as a child, I strove to be good, not for myself really but for those around me. I wanted them to be happy. I made them laugh, I had good grades, I was on a successful gymnastic team, my kindergarten teachers wanted to adopt me and my elementary school teacher adored me. I won most competitions I entered.
Life was good. I was good. I was approved.
My beloved grandfather died when I was about 7-8 years old. By the age of 11 I was the most hated kid in school. I was bulled for being fat, I was undisciplined, I was mouthy and rebellious. I was on a downhill spiral. By the age of 16 I was convinced that I was stupid, I was odd, I was aggressive but most of all, I was no good.
As a youngster, I noticed that there was something about me that made others feel uncomfortable when being around me. Many of them were in reaction to what I said or the way I behaved. Naturally, I was convinced that their unease was because of me. “My badness” was the cause. So, I became defensive. That sealed the deal.
I forgive myself & I approve of myself!
I was doomed for decades. Every time someone was in reaction, I launched myself into reaction. I was the one to blame and I happily obliged. I believed that somehow I was in the wrong that made them right. I was convinced that I must have said or done something wrong and now I am punished for it.
I am often angry. Recently, I started to investigate my anger and the issues behind it. I found that I had given upon myself, upon my truth so to make others right, hoping that they would feel better about little wrenched of me. At the end all I was left with was this anger of a self-deprecating human who punished herself by being who she was.
My greatest learning as a recovering self-deprecator and self-destructor is to stand by my truth.
I am done apologizing for who I am or what I see fit. I never mean any harm. My intentions are pure. It just say things the way I see them.
Honestly, at the end of the day your reaction is yours. But if you take the time to stick around you maybe able to appreciate what I have to say. Moreover, if you make an effort to step back and see what you are reacting to, you may realize that the stinking thorn has already been there in you long before, I have not put it here.
It is my experience when I am reacting in self-protection, I have a sore spot being rubbed on. The hurt is inside of me. It is my job to heal that wound.
Finally, I am pretty sure I make lots of mistakes but that does not mean that I am to take responsibility for everyone’s reaction to my mistakes. I will deal with what’s mine. The rest I return to the sender! 🙂 because…
I can now stand my ground and allow others to be in their upset without me being in reaction with them. I only take responsibility for what is mine!
What is your focus? What do you want to heal? What do you want to let go of?
(the pictures were taken from the net, whoever claims them, I am happy to display their names!)
