Az őszinteség fontossága

Cikk, a Nőklapja Psychologia Augusztusi számában talállható

Hosszú évek óta nem élek Magyarországon. Amikor látogatóba jövök megfigyeléseket teszek, nézem a változásokat, olvasom az ujságokat, hogy minél informáltabb legyek.

Örömmel olvastam Krafiáth Orsolya irását, a Nőklapja Pszichológiában, Szabó Győző és Csernus Imre kooperációjáról, ami most film ormában is a nagyközönség elé kerül, Győző 2o12-es könyve után.

A fenti sorok igazán megragadtak, mert nagyon fontosnak tartom, hogy ez a társadalolom elkezdjen őszintén beszélni. Nem állitom, hogy más társadalmakban nem hazudnak magunkak és másoknak az emberek. De állitom, hogy a Magyar társadalomban az önámitás népbetegség.

Az a megfigyelésem, hogy szinte mindenki hazudik magának (és másoknak) az életének valamely aspektusában. Bár vannak úgynevezett ártatlan hazugságok, de az ember, aki ezeket hazudja tisztában kell legyen azzal, hogy hazudik. De ez a kultúra ámit! Azért ámit, mert nem mer őszinte lenni: vagy azért nem, mert túl fáj látni a valóságot, az ember tehetetlenségét, vagy azért, mert az önmagunkról fentartott kép megbukna az első igaz szónál.

Én ebben a hazugság szövevényben nőttem fel, a sűrűjében, amikor még az, aki igazat mondott az életével játszott. De azok az idők már elmúltak. Már nem kényszer a hazugság, hanem választás.

A legszomorúbb mégis az, hogy támadunk és gyűlölünk mindenkit, aki őszinteségre késztet bennünket. Ahogy azt Cernus is teszi. Tisztelem a bátorságáért.

Öszinteség nélkül, ahogy Csernus is mondja, az élet elszáll anélkül, hogy élnénk. Egész életünke a hazugságok és önámitásk oltárán áldozzuk fel. Önismeretet az ember csak az öszinteség mezsgyéJén tudja elérni, még akkor is, ha fáj! A fájdalom csak pillanatnyi, addig tart mig lehull az álca. A megkönnyebülés és felszabadulás boldogság fröccse mindenért kárpótol.

Ha további információkat szeretnél az általam tartott önismeret szerzést támogató művéseti programokról, itt (CLICK) találhatsz. A honlapom angol nyelvű, de szivesen adok magyarnyelvű információt. Az alábbi emailcimre irj. Köszönöm.

info@ildikokudlk.com

Where is MY loyalty?

Recently I wrote about the loyalty I have for the people around me and for my country based on social conditioning.

Today, I was contemplating on whether I can shift my loyalty elsewhere.

There is nothing wrong with me being loyal. I think it is a great asset and a wonderful quality in a person. It is also rare, I think.

We are made of energy. Energy is constantly in motion. E = mc2. Where we focus our energy where our consciousness goes with it. If we are unaware and blindly follow our social conditioning, we end up where the majorly is, no matter how much we disagree with it mentally.

My sense of loyalty is guided by my social conditioning. I am loyal to people who hurt me because I was told that true loyalty is with the people who raised you, and with the country who ‘birthed’ you. (See my blogpost on this topic here, CLICK)

It is not true.

Loyalty is a Soul-quality.

To me, LOYALTY means to be True to MYSELF and what matters the most. And what matters the most is My- Self, my-evolution, my-enlightenment, emergence of my Soul-Essence.

These days we talk a lot about SELF-LOVE. But what does it actually mean? How do you practically love yourself?

I hear people claim that they love themselves by cooking a healthy meal and make a candle-lit dinner of it or having a replenishing bath. I can attest that they both add positively to the quality of my life, but I do not particularly feel loved by either of them.

As a result of my loyalty-wobble I took a hard look at the ways I tend NOT to love myself. I don’t love myself when I say YES though I mean NO. I don’t love myself when I try to explain myself because I want the other person to ‘get’ me. I don’t love myself when I accommodate others’ needs but neglect my own. I don’t love myself when I put up with abusive behaviour because I want to avoid conflicts. Sounds familiar?

So, how is it when I actually do love myself?

I stay TRUE TO MYSELF. Well, it is often not as dramatic as walking out …

“The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.”  Michel de Montaigne, The Complete Essays

It simply means that I look at the situation sincerely. Every situation I find myself in reflects me. I listen to the words being uttered, I look at behaviours, I observe how I feel. I notice if I am in reaction with anything happening around me or if I am controlling or protecting. I look for signs if I am ‘myself’ or not.

I LOVE MYSELF by not reacting. People just do what they do regardless of what I think is right or just. When I am in reaction, I engage in the same energy I do not like so I generate it. I love myself by keeping my energy ‘up’. Yes, I do my best to surround myself with nice people who appreciate me but it is not always possible. Nevertheless, it is my responsibility to feel good about myself no matter what.

When I am TRUE TO MYSELF, I am calm and honest. I am neither pleasing, nor act superior. I am observant and thoughtful. Simply, my job is to keep on re-aligning myself with MYSELF. I am not in reaction because what’s going on does not resonate with me any more.

As I embrace myself just as I am, I am TRUE TO MYSELF.

“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everyone will respect you.”

Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

The video talks about the controversial topic of transgender transition. I invite you to watch this video as an inspiring example of becoming TRUE to ONESELF, no matter what!

This lovely video talks about ‘self image’ and how a false image hinders us in staying TRUE to SELF.

Loyalty and Guilt

I am realizing that there is a level of compassions when one can justify murder.

Some people are miserable and in their misery, they attempt to rotten everything around them. In their anguish, the best course of action seems to be hurtful.

Every time, they are unpleasant I think that it is because they had a tough time as children. In her awful remarks, I see a small girl crying out for help. In his panic stricken scream, I see a young boy expected to become an adult too soon.

At first I fought them. Then I tried to change them. Finally, I accepted that this is who they are and that they cannot help the way they think and behave. However, in their misery, they leash out and hit everything in their vicinity. As result, they harm everyone around them, me included.

I am learning that being compassionate and understanding does not mean that you put up with ‘bad’ behaviour.

Very well, you may say, leave then, leave them behind. Yes, it is correct. The best course of action would be to leave. So, why don’t I? Why doesn’t an abused person leave his/her tormentors?

There are many answers to this question, I just share one, that I recently became aware of.

Dr Gay Hendricks names four main fears that creates low self-esteem – one of the reasons why we do not leave our abusers – that actually prevent us to move on with our lives: 1) the fear that there is something inherently wrong with us; 2) the fear of outgrowing others and leaving them behind; 3) the fear of having shattered somebody’s dream by existing being born; 4) the fear of being disloyal to somebody ‘important’ (eg. family member).

I can relate to all the above, but disloyalty is my biggie. For a Hungarian, there is no greater sin than being disloyal to your people. Hungarians have two National Anthems though the one I am talking about is not the official one. Szózat (see below) – Appeal or The Summons (depending on the translation) – that is often sung along the National Anthem, orders Hungarians to stay in their county and with their family no matter what. Otherwise, one is considered a traitor.

First time I left Hungary ( land of the Magyar) with the intention to never return was in 1990 a few months after the Berlin wall came down. We were now free to go anywhere we pleased after 50 years of political isolation.

I did not stay away long. After four months of staying in Mexico with friend, I got an opportunity to go to university so I returned to Hungary to finish my education. Next time I left was in 1996. It was really hard. My guilt ridden mind could not deal with the opportunity and I almost killed myself living the way I did in the Big Apple of New York.

I returned to Hungary in 1998 only to bury my beloved grandmother. I did not stay for long. I landed in the UK the same year and stayed there until 2004 without vising Hungary much or at all. I felt at home in the UK. I love the language, I could easily relate to the culture. My best friends are all Brits or semi-Brits anyway! 🙂

In 2004, I was given an opportunity to build an self-educational organisation from the ground up. So, I stayed in Hungary until 2011 when I returned to the UK. Soon Brexit threw us EU nationals out with the bathing water. I found myself settling down in Malta when Covid hit. I lost my job and my livelihood was threatened. In March 2020, I found myself back in Hungary again with my parents.

30 years in the making and I still have not been able to release my sense of guilt when leaving this place. I pop back like a boomerang every time I get close to settling down somewhere else.

What can I do now?

First of all, I must find the way to forgive myself; forgive my allowing to be manipulated by a cultural myth; forgive myself for not having the strength to overcome my fear of disloyalty. Then, I can turn to my Essence, the core of who I am and claim my right to be free. I will keep on claiming that I am free to chose my home until the part of me that is in fear of retribution can dissolve in the Loving Patience that I hold for myself. The rest is conscious expectancy.

Appeal (English)
Oh, Magyar, keep immovably
your native country’s trust,
for it has borne you, and at death
will consecrate your dust!
No other spot in all the world
can touch your heart as home—
let fortune bless or fortune curse,
from hence you shall not roam!
This is the country that your sires
have shed their blood to claim;
throughout a thousand years not one
but adds a sacred name.
‘Twas here brave Árpád’s mighty sword
ordained your land to be,
and here the arms of Hunyad broke
the chains of slavery.
Here Freedom’s blood-stained flag has waved
above the Magyar head;
and here in age-long struggles fell
our best and noblest, dead.
In spite of long calamity
and centuries of strife,
our strength, though weakened, is not spent;
our country still has life.
To you, O nations of the world,
we call with passioned breath:
“Should not a thousand years of pain
bring liberty—or death?”
It cannot be that all in vain
so many hearts have bled,
that haggard from heroic breasts
so many souls have fled!
It cannot be that mind and strength
and consecrated will
are wasted in a hopeless cause
beneath a curse of ill!
There yet shall come, if come there must,
that better, fairer day
for which a myriad thousand lips
in fervent yearning pray.
Or there shall come, if come there must,
a death of fortitude;
and round about our graves shall stand
a nation washed in blood.
Around the graves where we shall die
a weeping world will come,
and millions will in pity gaze
upon the martyrs’ tomb.
Then, Magyar, keep unshakeably
your native country’s trust,
for it has borne you and at death
will consecrate your dust!
No other spot in all the world
can touch your heart as home;
let fortune bless or fortune curse,
from hence you shall not roam!
Theresa Pulszky; John Edward Taylor

source

HAPPINESS

HAPPINESS is a shift in focus from the gloom and fear of the world to the Grace of the Divine.

In my experience true HAPPINESS arrives when I become aligned with the HIGHEST ASPECT of MYSELF. It is a place of joyous neutrality.

It is not being aligned with a thought or an idea. It is a movement that reaches beyond what the mind can grasp. The mind is full of fear and anxiety even when we do not notice it. Peace, Loving, Happiness resides in our inner Core where the mind cannot enter.

In order for me to get there, I need to walk on fire, first. It is unavoidable. Without the Darkness, I cannot see the Light. So, first I look into the darkest places in myself where it hurts, where I am angry, where I am anxious. I walk into them with my little torch of God’s Spark within me and wait. I wait for the Light to drive out the Dark.

Sitting in the dark is scary. The only way I can manage to be with the Dark in me is embracing and loving myself through the process. In Loving myself, I simply do things that uplift me. I am not great on affirmations and positive thoughts. I am a practical person. I prefer ‘moving’ and ‘doing’ like dancing to my favourite songs, drawing and painting with others, gardening – especially weeding -, drinking my coffee on the porch alone listening to the silence, writing posts on the beauty of ART, reading a book that captures my imagination, and such.

Loving oneself needn’t be a mysterious affair. 🙂

HAPPINESS is a shift in focus from the gloom and fear of the world to the Grace of the Divine.

Things that make me feel HAPPY and feel LOVED.

NEXT

STARTS ON 26 JUNE, 2021 for AFTERNOON SESSIONS AND ON10 JULY, 2021 FOR MORNING SESSSIONS

Benefits – You will …

  • Gain deeper awareness of yourself – your thoughts and behavioural patterns that may or may not be supporting you in living the life you wish for yourself.
  • Become aware of your strengths, unique abilities, and your true interests, as well as some of your hindering patterns.
  • Discover your Essence – the core of who you are. Building on that, we enquire about your passion, purpose and true vocation.
  • Step towards your dreams using the supportive power of the group.
  • HAVE OODLES OF FUN!

Positivity vs. Awareness

I have been thinking a lot about the importance of self-awareness and what it means to me lately.

Positivity experts claim that happiness is a state of mind where one focuses on the nice things in life and hold only uplifting and positive thoughts in one’s mind.

I agree. It is so important to see the beautify in our lives and to strive to generate positive and uplifting experiences. It is also true that where we focus is where we are going. Keeping a positive attitude when faced with life’s challenges is a blessing.

However, life’s challenges and learnings are always at hand.

I believe that our karmic patterns show up as childhood experiences in order for us to learn those lessons and let them go later in life. Every ‘learnt’ lesson brings us closer to the Core of who we are, the Divine within.

Ignoring our lessons, mostly because of lack of self-awareness, means that we keep on recreating painful/uncomfortable situations and emotions in our lives. As soon as we start being more present we become more aware of what is going on in our lives. As a result, we start to have choices.

Becoming aware does not mean analysing. It means embracing.

When I trace my ‘uncomfortable’ feelings and thoughts back to their origin, I start seeing what I am dealing with. Most of my post in this category discusses different ‘issues’ that I have become aware of.

When I become aware of what’s bothering me or in my case why I am angry, I suddenly have a choice. I stop being reactive and start being proactive. First, I sit down with myself and assure myself that it is all OK and that I love myself no matter what. My own loving to myself opens doors to places inside of me that hurt. I am allowed to now see what happened that as I child or a young adult I could not face. And now, it is time to let go. When Light shines on my darkest parts, they dissipate automatically. It usually takes some time but there is not much else I need to do, apart from loving myself through it.

Positive and uplifting thoughts and ideas are great and very helpful. But the Mind cannot love, only the Soul can.

The art-filled programs I run support participants to become more aware of their lessons to learn in life and become more align with the Loving that inherently resides inside of us all.

Where is your focus?

I am sorry that this post got little longer than I had intended but I hope it is worth you time! 🙂

Well, my focus is on overcoming and releasing what blocks my inner flow of the Divine.

The Divine, Its Love, becomes available to us when we become available to IT. Until parts of ourselves is engaged in reactions that originate in painful memories of the past, we are not available to the Divine flow. The painful (stressful) memories and attached emotions stand as blockages in our energy system. Our focus is being pulled off from our centre and off from the Divine as it is automatically – unconsciously – pulled into these blockages.

It is easy to focus on Loving when we are sitting in meditation. It is more challenging to experience God’s (use your own word) ever present Loving energy when someone is being nasty to us or we are being told off or being cut off on the motorway. Such events trigger old memories and related emotions. As we revisit them again and again, unfortunately, we recreate them by investing energy into them. We are not meant to indulge in these but become aware of them.

Life throws experiences at us so we can notice where out trapped memories and energies are.

Please see my previous post HERE on my awareness where my trapped energies are.

I am aware that part of me is still trapped in emotions that were the results of responses to painful or stressful experiences in the past. In order to be free, I embrace these experiences and release the emotions trapped in the memory.

Dr Hendricks – in Conscious Living: Finding joy in the real world, in Part I, Chapter 2. – explains how an emotion that is allowed to be present and accepted – not acted upon – eventually loses its power and eventually disappears.

I cannot change the past but I can come to terms with it and let go of the emotions trapped in the memory. In order to become neutral and free I need to release these otherwise I will forever react and relive the emotions when I am reminded of that past event. On top of it all, because the energy is strapped in the memory of the event – trauma – and in the emotion related to this event, I automatically recreate similar events.

I believe in ‘reconciliation’ and ‘healing’; my preferred word is LETTING GO.

When I notice a reoccurring reaction and emotion, I trace it back to its origin which is always in the past. I look at what happened (probably) and what choices I made mentally and emotionally at the time.

I do my best to embrace that moment: whatever happened, how I reacted, how I felt, the choices I made; I also accept the other parties’ choices in the event. I look at that part of me whom I started to judge or shun in response to the event: the source of my negative emotions.

By doing that I start a healing process in me that lasts as long as it does. I do not keep on revising what happened after I got clear on where the thorn is.

This is my process of releasing the charge of an emotion that kept on surfacing each time something happened that reminds me of that initial event and triggers those old emotions.

With all this, I embrace myself as I am in the present moment: with my past, my emotions, my reactions; the whole lot.

The artwork I create supports me to embrace all that is present in me at any given moment in time. It helps me let go so I can be free of it. As the charge goes, the triggers disappear.

In response to ‘where we place our attention is where we place our energy’, I can say that, one does not need to focus into the past to find oneself in the same emotions all the time. Emotions are habitual. That ‘habituality’ originates in the past. One can ignore the source and try and override the emotional triggers by focusing on ‘positive’ things or in the present moment which I think is rather challenging. In my observation, the mind is a wanderer! 🙂 I don’t think anyone can stay in the present all the time constantly focusing and generating positive and loving thoughts.

Instead, I believe that, one can ‘heal’ oneself from the triggers and the sources of negative emotions that is in the past by embracing it all. As a result, I find, that one eventually stops creating reactions and negative emotion all together.

There can be many different approaches to healing and changing. This is mine.

Me and my anger

Continuing on from THIS post on Dr Joe Dispenza’s explanation on our addiction to and identification with certain emotions.

OK, so I am angry.

I feel that my anger is completely justified. Those teachers were the scum under the feet of the dirt of the earth. I am absolutely unforgiving. I cannot find that bone inside of me that can make their act OK in any way. Teachers, who humiliate and sacrifice children on the altar of uniformity are the worst of the worst. They are the anthesis of their profession that swears on building people. These un-human-beings were so scared of originality and what it may entail that they did everything in their power to diminish it.

This is how I became angry … very, very angry. I felt helpless and lonely in the face of tyranny and the only was I could fight it was to become an obnoxious and rebellious fury. The system – particularity the education system – was established in a way that it weeded out the odd ones and buried them under a pile of shame, humiliation and low-self-esteem. Not surprisingly, that Hungary used to have one of the highest suicide rate per capita in the world.

PINK FLOYD ANOTHER BRICK IN THE WALL

Time flies. All this happened in the 70’s and early 80’s when I was a teenager. Probably the saddest part of this story is not what happened the but the fact that I am still angry. Like Dr Dispenza says, being addicted to an emotion that was a response to a situation in the past, that we are still engaging in today, is heart-breaking. We sacrifice our happiness for an emotion whose raison d’etre is long gone.

I notice that every time I feel helpless in communicating my need for being understood and embraced as I am or when I feel misinterpreted, I become very angry and edgy. I see that the learning for me is *to find the way to feel the true emotions underneath my anger, such as my fear or my sadness; *to communicate what is really going on inside of me the most self-loving way; *stay absolutely true to myself without being afraid because the The Wall has fallen :).

THE FALL OF THE BERLIN WALL IN 1989

ART helps me uncover myself. I am not very good at talking or writing about my feelings in the moment. Though I feel them profoundly when they appear in words I often don’t recognize them. My ART helps me stay in touch with the underlaying honest emotions of the moment, my sincere needs and my true identity.

Dr Joe Dispenza – Emotions

Memory without the emotional charge is WISDOM!

Dr. Joe Dispenza

Everyone has a ‘disposition’ to life and that disposition becomes his/her approach to life. As we identify with that disposition, we become it and can be identified by it.

As a child I was artsy and curious. The system I grew up in did not appreciate ‘different’ very much. So, I often suffered being ridiculed and shamed for my peculiar ways. As a response to my helplessness to stop people misinterpreting me and taking me the wrong way, I became angry … very, very angry! That ANGER has been running my life for decades. I identify with it. Most of my friends call me an ‘anger-ball’ because I get upset and angry very easily.

My mum’s emotional addiction is DEPRESSION. I don’t know what her story is exactly but I can easily see that her sadness over the way her life turned out to be became depression. She recycles her disappointment over her unmet expectations daily. She is stuck in an emotion that makes her life miserable.

My aunt appears to be a very bitter and unforgiving person. She is highly critical and patronizing. Asa child, she had to grow up very fast because her mum was not around. She had to take care of her younger sibling and her father. She became the bitterness of her lost childhood.

Negative emotions when we hold onto them long enough become our identity and our addiction. We keep on replaying the memory and the emotion related to it and so we become it. Whatever happened to us in the past, we can take the learning from it and become emotionally free from it. It is our choice to allow or not an emotion to tint our responses to our life experiences.

Standing up

I am living at a place right now where people do not really address their ‘problems’ with each another. Instead, they chose to feel upset, blame each other’s insensitivity to their problems, and expect each other to intuitively respond to their hurt or upset and resolve it. This general attitude creates a ripple effect where most people feel very uncomfortable, unheard, uncared for, and angry. It is lovely to live here, hahaha! 🙂

I am aware, however, that me being here is a fantastic opportunity to learn something that is essential for both my well-being and happiness. It is communicating with integrity and authenticity.

It is not particularly difficult for me to stand up for myself and to confront another person about something I don’t agree with or I don’t like. However, it very difficult to say all that in a way that I will be heard. Being angry is easy for me. Communicating my upset, hurt, dislike, disagreement in a way that is rounded and is not accusatory is hard for me. I have learnt from the best! 🙂 When I tell people what I don’t like, they always get upset. I understand that it is because I use a tone that is reprimanding.

I often swing between letting others get away with things that I totally don’t agree with and allow them to take advantage of me or I scream their heads of in my accumulated fury.

It literally takes me days sometimes to collect my real feelings and thoughts from under my anger and string it up in a way that they are informative, honest and unattached.

The problem is, you see, that in my upset by others’ behaviour that they are mostly completely unaware of, I get utterly lost in my own emotions which makes me incapable of communicating my Truth.

Standing up for myself does not mean that I am in the ‘right’ and allowed to pour all my upset and anger over the other person. It means that I have something to communicate that is important for me ‘unattached’ to the result which is the other person’s response. At the same time, I need to stay open to the fact that the other person may have something to say in response.

The key is, as I am realizing it now, to be able to stay centered. Being unattached does not mean that I am ‘emotionless’, it means that I am not talking from my emotions but from a place of clarity and integrity.

It is not my job to judge others’ behaviour but it is definitely my responsibility to express my dislike otherwise it ripples into illnesses and/or into situations where it does not belong.

Staying in the Loving does not mean that I am lovey-dovey and nicey at all. It only means that I communicate in a way that I do not blame or try to make the other person wrong. I just say what I am experiencing, unattached to what the other person may do in response, in a way that is aligned with my values.

I found this article in the New York Times. It talks about the difference of being aggressive and assertive which is similar to what I wrote above. LINK TO ARTICLE

The ART of Connecting

Well, I am not particularly good at ‘befriending’, I don’t think, anyway.

I find meeting new people in a social setting rather awkward. I can never ask the right questions, mostly because I am not really interested in other people’s jobs and marital status. I eventually find myself playing at the kids’ table or being alone looking at the wallpaper.

When I meet new people, I am excited to know people’s thoughts on Life and the way they see themselves, not their political agenda or their shopping list. Every person is a unique being with vastness of experiences and wisdom that I do not have. Except that in most cases it is buried under heavy social conditioning.

ART cannot lie. Every picture tells a story. Each piece of ARTWORK depicts its creator in the most unique way. It reflects the disturbances of the Ego-mind and the yearnings of the Soul.

When I look at someone’s artwork without trying to analyse it, I get a feel for the person who created it. I would not know their job or marital status, but I would be introduced to a small aspect of their being.

Looking at someone’s artwork allows me to connect with the ‘artist’ in a meaningful way.