40 days Nativity Fast, Advent, Hanukkah

What do they have in common?

Opportunities! 🙂

This time of year is full of opportunities to de-garbage and re-focus on Spirit, the Essence within. I am aware that when I make an effort to slow down and centre myself in the Silence, my life blossoms in many unexpected ways.

HOWEVER, it is soooo easy to slip into busy-mode and make ‘life’ and my to-do-list more important than my spiritual being. So …

Today on the 28th November 2021, we started the 40 days until Orthodox Christmas Day on the 6th January.

We celebrate Christmas on the 25th December which is about half way to the Orthodox Christmas Day in January. Also, form today we are observing Hannuka for a week.

I like the idea of Nativity Fast. There are many ways to understated ‘fasting’. I look at it thorough the lens of cleansing. I think , I will use the next 40 days to cleanse my consciousness from ‘garbage’.

Interestingly, this time of year, I am also crazy busy. It seems that I am somehow wishing to be more Spirit-centered but I am also afraid of it. Sowing down and sitting in the silence also means that I need to face what’s bothering me or I am afraid of. Though it is uncomfortable it is also a great opportunity to release all that and re-centre myself in the peace and calm of the world of Spirit.

So, I decided to do a 40-day spiritual cleansing. I have also promised myself to make it manageable so I will actually do it.

Starting today, I will spend at least half an hour every day with nourishing myself Spiritually. I will experiment with different creative and artistic ways and will report on them.

Today I meditated for an hour so to start the process off. 🙂 TICK. Honestly, it was hard. I spent most of it either doozing or swimming in endless thoughts.

Listen to this meditation. Lovely!

It will get better! <3

Why is it so scary being yourself?

I am not sure exactly. But there is an element of unsafely in being true to ourselves that is almost inexplicable. The only way to notice this fear is to sit in the silence for a while and watch how the nerve-wracking inner tension caused by the world starts easing away.

The more I put myself out there with my little creative treasures, the more scary it gets. Being refused or rejected is not a great feeling but tolerable. However, for me, being ridiculed for my most precious gifts is heart-breaking.

We all have these little pearls of great price within us, the unique attributes of our soul.

As children, each time we were told off for having drawn on the wallpaper or on the furniture, or when we were punished to be too energetic and running around the house, or when we put into detention for chatting during the class with a classmate who needed our support, we learn that we are not OK as we are.

As a result of that, we start hiding our little precious treasures and start wearing a mask that reflects what the world around us wants to see us being. With that inner betrayal, we loose contact with ourselves and turn to the world for satisfaction and love.

When we take the courage to start turning within, first we must confront the pain of treachery. Not easy. Sometimes it takes years of forgiveness to release the pain caused by our disloyalty. And it is still not the end of the road.

As soon as, we regain our sense of true self, a trust issue starts emerging with an immense sense of fear saying ‘what if it happens again? What if you betray me again? How can I trust you again?’ Will you now stay by my values and needs or will you sell out again?’

This is the second leg of the journey, walking though the fires of fear.

Az őszinteség fontossága

Cikk, a Nőklapja Psychologia Augusztusi számában talállható

Hosszú évek óta nem élek Magyarországon. Amikor látogatóba jövök megfigyeléseket teszek, nézem a változásokat, olvasom az ujságokat, hogy minél informáltabb legyek.

Örömmel olvastam Krafiáth Orsolya irását, a Nőklapja Pszichológiában, Szabó Győző és Csernus Imre kooperációjáról, ami most film ormában is a nagyközönség elé kerül, Győző 2o12-es könyve után.

A fenti sorok igazán megragadtak, mert nagyon fontosnak tartom, hogy ez a társadalolom elkezdjen őszintén beszélni. Nem állitom, hogy más társadalmakban nem hazudnak magunkak és másoknak az emberek. De állitom, hogy a Magyar társadalomban az önámitás népbetegség.

Az a megfigyelésem, hogy szinte mindenki hazudik magának (és másoknak) az életének valamely aspektusában. Bár vannak úgynevezett ártatlan hazugságok, de az ember, aki ezeket hazudja tisztában kell legyen azzal, hogy hazudik. De ez a kultúra ámit! Azért ámit, mert nem mer őszinte lenni: vagy azért nem, mert túl fáj látni a valóságot, az ember tehetetlenségét, vagy azért, mert az önmagunkról fentartott kép megbukna az első igaz szónál.

Én ebben a hazugság szövevényben nőttem fel, a sűrűjében, amikor még az, aki igazat mondott az életével játszott. De azok az idők már elmúltak. Már nem kényszer a hazugság, hanem választás.

A legszomorúbb mégis az, hogy támadunk és gyűlölünk mindenkit, aki őszinteségre késztet bennünket. Ahogy azt Cernus is teszi. Tisztelem a bátorságáért.

Öszinteség nélkül, ahogy Csernus is mondja, az élet elszáll anélkül, hogy élnénk. Egész életünke a hazugságok és önámitásk oltárán áldozzuk fel. Önismeretet az ember csak az öszinteség mezsgyéJén tudja elérni, még akkor is, ha fáj! A fájdalom csak pillanatnyi, addig tart mig lehull az álca. A megkönnyebülés és felszabadulás boldogság fröccse mindenért kárpótol.

Ha további információkat szeretnél az általam tartott önismeret szerzést támogató művéseti programokról, itt (CLICK) találhatsz. A honlapom angol nyelvű, de szivesen adok magyarnyelvű információt. Az alábbi emailcimre irj. Köszönöm.

Where is MY loyalty?

Recently I wrote about the loyalty I have for the people around me and for my country based on social conditioning.

Today, I was contemplating on whether I can shift my loyalty elsewhere.

There is nothing wrong with me being loyal. I think it is a great asset and a wonderful quality in a person. It is also rare, I think.

We are made of energy. Energy is constantly in motion. E = mc2. Where we focus our energy where our consciousness goes with it. If we are unaware and blindly follow our social conditioning, we end up where the majorly is, no matter how much we disagree with it mentally.

My sense of loyalty is guided by my social conditioning. I am loyal to people who hurt me because I was told that true loyalty is with the people who raised you, and with the country who ‘birthed’ you. (See my blogpost on this topic here, CLICK)

It is not true.

Loyalty is a Soul-quality.

To me, LOYALTY means to be True to MYSELF and what matters the most. And what matters the most is My- Self, my-evolution, my-enlightenment, emergence of my Soul-Essence.

These days we talk a lot about SELF-LOVE. But what does it actually mean? How do you practically love yourself?

I hear people claim that they love themselves by cooking a healthy meal and make a candle-lit dinner of it or having a replenishing bath. I can attest that they both add positively to the quality of my life, but I do not particularly feel loved by either of them.

As a result of my loyalty-wobble I took a hard look at the ways I tend NOT to love myself. I don’t love myself when I say YES though I mean NO. I don’t love myself when I try to explain myself because I want the other person to ‘get’ me. I don’t love myself when I accommodate others’ needs but neglect my own. I don’t love myself when I put up with abusive behaviour because I want to avoid conflicts. Sounds familiar?

So, how is it when I actually do love myself?

I stay TRUE TO MYSELF. Well, it is often not as dramatic as walking out …

“The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.”  Michel de Montaigne, The Complete Essays

It simply means that I look at the situation sincerely. Every situation I find myself in reflects me. I listen to the words being uttered, I look at behaviours, I observe how I feel. I notice if I am in reaction with anything happening around me or if I am controlling or protecting. I look for signs if I am ‘myself’ or not.

I LOVE MYSELF by not reacting. People just do what they do regardless of what I think is right or just. When I am in reaction, I engage in the same energy I do not like so I generate it. I love myself by keeping my energy ‘up’. Yes, I do my best to surround myself with nice people who appreciate me but it is not always possible. Nevertheless, it is my responsibility to feel good about myself no matter what.

When I am TRUE TO MYSELF, I am calm and honest. I am neither pleasing, nor act superior. I am observant and thoughtful. Simply, my job is to keep on re-aligning myself with MYSELF. I am not in reaction because what’s going on does not resonate with me any more.

As I embrace myself just as I am, I am TRUE TO MYSELF.

“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everyone will respect you.”

Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

The video talks about the controversial topic of transgender transition. I invite you to watch this video as an inspiring example of becoming TRUE to ONESELF, no matter what!

This lovely video talks about ‘self image’ and how a false image hinders us in staying TRUE to SELF.

Loyalty and Guilt

I am realizing that there is a level of compassions when one can justify murder.

Some people are miserable and in their misery, they attempt to rotten everything around them. In their anguish, the best course of action seems to be hurtful.

Every time, they are unpleasant I think that it is because they had a tough time as children. In her awful remarks, I see a small girl crying out for help. In his panic stricken scream, I see a young boy expected to become an adult too soon.

At first I fought them. Then I tried to change them. Finally, I accepted that this is who they are and that they cannot help the way they think and behave. However, in their misery, they leash out and hit everything in their vicinity. As result, they harm everyone around them, me included.

I am learning that being compassionate and understanding does not mean that you put up with ‘bad’ behaviour.

Very well, you may say, leave then, leave them behind. Yes, it is correct. The best course of action would be to leave. So, why don’t I? Why doesn’t an abused person leave his/her tormentors?

There are many answers to this question, I just share one, that I recently became aware of.

Dr Gay Hendricks names four main fears that creates low self-esteem – one of the reasons why we do not leave our abusers – that actually prevent us to move on with our lives: 1) the fear that there is something inherently wrong with us; 2) the fear of outgrowing others and leaving them behind; 3) the fear of having shattered somebody’s dream by existing being born; 4) the fear of being disloyal to somebody ‘important’ (eg. family member).

I can relate to all the above, but disloyalty is my biggie. For a Hungarian, there is no greater sin than being disloyal to your people. Hungarians have two National Anthems though the one I am talking about is not the official one. Szózat (see below) – Appeal or The Summons (depending on the translation) – that is often sung along the National Anthem, orders Hungarians to stay in their county and with their family no matter what. Otherwise, one is considered a traitor.

First time I left Hungary ( land of the Magyar) with the intention to never return was in 1990 a few months after the Berlin wall came down. We were now free to go anywhere we pleased after 50 years of political isolation.

I did not stay away long. After four months of staying in Mexico with friend, I got an opportunity to go to university so I returned to Hungary to finish my education. Next time I left was in 1996. It was really hard. My guilt ridden mind could not deal with the opportunity and I almost killed myself living the way I did in the Big Apple of New York.

I returned to Hungary in 1998 only to bury my beloved grandmother. I did not stay for long. I landed in the UK the same year and stayed there until 2004 without vising Hungary much or at all. I felt at home in the UK. I love the language, I could easily relate to the culture. My best friends are all Brits or semi-Brits anyway! 🙂

In 2004, I was given an opportunity to build an self-educational organisation from the ground up. So, I stayed in Hungary until 2011 when I returned to the UK. Soon Brexit threw us EU nationals out with the bathing water. I found myself settling down in Malta when Covid hit. I lost my job and my livelihood was threatened. In March 2020, I found myself back in Hungary again with my parents.

30 years in the making and I still have not been able to release my sense of guilt when leaving this place. I pop back like a boomerang every time I get close to settling down somewhere else.

What can I do now?

First of all, I must find the way to forgive myself; forgive my allowing to be manipulated by a cultural myth; forgive myself for not having the strength to overcome my fear of disloyalty. Then, I can turn to my Essence, the core of who I am and claim my right to be free. I will keep on claiming that I am free to chose my home until the part of me that is in fear of retribution can dissolve in the Loving Patience that I hold for myself. The rest is conscious expectancy.

Appeal (English)
Oh, Magyar, keep immovably
your native country’s trust,
for it has borne you, and at death
will consecrate your dust!
No other spot in all the world
can touch your heart as home—
let fortune bless or fortune curse,
from hence you shall not roam!
This is the country that your sires
have shed their blood to claim;
throughout a thousand years not one
but adds a sacred name.
‘Twas here brave Árpád’s mighty sword
ordained your land to be,
and here the arms of Hunyad broke
the chains of slavery.
Here Freedom’s blood-stained flag has waved
above the Magyar head;
and here in age-long struggles fell
our best and noblest, dead.
In spite of long calamity
and centuries of strife,
our strength, though weakened, is not spent;
our country still has life.
To you, O nations of the world,
we call with passioned breath:
“Should not a thousand years of pain
bring liberty—or death?”
It cannot be that all in vain
so many hearts have bled,
that haggard from heroic breasts
so many souls have fled!
It cannot be that mind and strength
and consecrated will
are wasted in a hopeless cause
beneath a curse of ill!
There yet shall come, if come there must,
that better, fairer day
for which a myriad thousand lips
in fervent yearning pray.
Or there shall come, if come there must,
a death of fortitude;
and round about our graves shall stand
a nation washed in blood.
Around the graves where we shall die
a weeping world will come,
and millions will in pity gaze
upon the martyrs’ tomb.
Then, Magyar, keep unshakeably
your native country’s trust,
for it has borne you and at death
will consecrate your dust!
No other spot in all the world
can touch your heart as home;
let fortune bless or fortune curse,
from hence you shall not roam!
Theresa Pulszky; John Edward Taylor



HAPPINESS is a shift in focus from the gloom and fear of the world to the Grace of the Divine.

In my experience true HAPPINESS arrives when I become aligned with the HIGHEST ASPECT of MYSELF. It is a place of joyous neutrality.

It is not being aligned with a thought or an idea. It is a movement that reaches beyond what the mind can grasp. The mind is full of fear and anxiety even when we do not notice it. Peace, Loving, Happiness resides in our inner Core where the mind cannot enter.

In order for me to get there, I need to walk on fire, first. It is unavoidable. Without the Darkness, I cannot see the Light. So, first I look into the darkest places in myself where it hurts, where I am angry, where I am anxious. I walk into them with my little torch of God’s Spark within me and wait. I wait for the Light to drive out the Dark.

Sitting in the dark is scary. The only way I can manage to be with the Dark in me is embracing and loving myself through the process. In Loving myself, I simply do things that uplift me. I am not great on affirmations and positive thoughts. I am a practical person. I prefer ‘moving’ and ‘doing’ like dancing to my favourite songs, drawing and painting with others, gardening – especially weeding -, drinking my coffee on the porch alone listening to the silence, writing posts on the beauty of ART, reading a book that captures my imagination, and such.

Loving oneself needn’t be a mysterious affair. 🙂

HAPPINESS is a shift in focus from the gloom and fear of the world to the Grace of the Divine.

Things that make me feel HAPPY and feel LOVED.



Benefits – You will …

  • Gain deeper awareness of yourself – your thoughts and behavioural patterns that may or may not be supporting you in living the life you wish for yourself.
  • Become aware of your strengths, unique abilities, and your true interests, as well as some of your hindering patterns.
  • Discover your Essence – the core of who you are. Building on that, we enquire about your passion, purpose and true vocation.
  • Step towards your dreams using the supportive power of the group.

Positivity vs. Awareness

I have been thinking a lot about the importance of self-awareness and what it means to me lately.

Positivity experts claim that happiness is a state of mind where one focuses on the nice things in life and hold only uplifting and positive thoughts in one’s mind.

I agree. It is so important to see the beautify in our lives and to strive to generate positive and uplifting experiences. It is also true that where we focus is where we are going. Keeping a positive attitude when faced with life’s challenges is a blessing.

However, life’s challenges and learnings are always at hand.

I believe that our karmic patterns show up as childhood experiences in order for us to learn those lessons and let them go later in life. Every ‘learnt’ lesson brings us closer to the Core of who we are, the Divine within.

Ignoring our lessons, mostly because of lack of self-awareness, means that we keep on recreating painful/uncomfortable situations and emotions in our lives. As soon as we start being more present we become more aware of what is going on in our lives. As a result, we start to have choices.

Becoming aware does not mean analysing. It means embracing.

When I trace my ‘uncomfortable’ feelings and thoughts back to their origin, I start seeing what I am dealing with. Most of my post in this category discusses different ‘issues’ that I have become aware of.

When I become aware of what’s bothering me or in my case why I am angry, I suddenly have a choice. I stop being reactive and start being proactive. First, I sit down with myself and assure myself that it is all OK and that I love myself no matter what. My own loving to myself opens doors to places inside of me that hurt. I am allowed to now see what happened that as I child or a young adult I could not face. And now, it is time to let go. When Light shines on my darkest parts, they dissipate automatically. It usually takes some time but there is not much else I need to do, apart from loving myself through it.

Positive and uplifting thoughts and ideas are great and very helpful. But the Mind cannot love, only the Soul can.

The art-filled programs I run support participants to become more aware of their lessons to learn in life and become more align with the Loving that inherently resides inside of us all.

Where is your focus?

I am sorry that this post got little longer than I had intended but I hope it is worth you time! 🙂

Well, my focus is on overcoming and releasing what blocks my inner flow of the Divine.

The Divine, Its Love, becomes available to us when we become available to IT. Until parts of ourselves is engaged in reactions that originate in painful memories of the past, we are not available to the Divine flow. The painful (stressful) memories and attached emotions stand as blockages in our energy system. Our focus is being pulled off from our centre and off from the Divine as it is automatically – unconsciously – pulled into these blockages.

It is easy to focus on Loving when we are sitting in meditation. It is more challenging to experience God’s (use your own word) ever present Loving energy when someone is being nasty to us or we are being told off or being cut off on the motorway. Such events trigger old memories and related emotions. As we revisit them again and again, unfortunately, we recreate them by investing energy into them. We are not meant to indulge in these but become aware of them.

Life throws experiences at us so we can notice where out trapped memories and energies are.

Please see my previous post HERE on my awareness where my trapped energies are.

I am aware that part of me is still trapped in emotions that were the results of responses to painful or stressful experiences in the past. In order to be free, I embrace these experiences and release the emotions trapped in the memory.

Dr Hendricks – in Conscious Living: Finding joy in the real world, in Part I, Chapter 2. – explains how an emotion that is allowed to be present and accepted – not acted upon – eventually loses its power and eventually disappears.

I cannot change the past but I can come to terms with it and let go of the emotions trapped in the memory. In order to become neutral and free I need to release these otherwise I will forever react and relive the emotions when I am reminded of that past event. On top of it all, because the energy is strapped in the memory of the event – trauma – and in the emotion related to this event, I automatically recreate similar events.

I believe in ‘reconciliation’ and ‘healing’; my preferred word is LETTING GO.

When I notice a reoccurring reaction and emotion, I trace it back to its origin which is always in the past. I look at what happened (probably) and what choices I made mentally and emotionally at the time.

I do my best to embrace that moment: whatever happened, how I reacted, how I felt, the choices I made; I also accept the other parties’ choices in the event. I look at that part of me whom I started to judge or shun in response to the event: the source of my negative emotions.

By doing that I start a healing process in me that lasts as long as it does. I do not keep on revising what happened after I got clear on where the thorn is.

This is my process of releasing the charge of an emotion that kept on surfacing each time something happened that reminds me of that initial event and triggers those old emotions.

With all this, I embrace myself as I am in the present moment: with my past, my emotions, my reactions; the whole lot.

The artwork I create supports me to embrace all that is present in me at any given moment in time. It helps me let go so I can be free of it. As the charge goes, the triggers disappear.

In response to ‘where we place our attention is where we place our energy’, I can say that, one does not need to focus into the past to find oneself in the same emotions all the time. Emotions are habitual. That ‘habituality’ originates in the past. One can ignore the source and try and override the emotional triggers by focusing on ‘positive’ things or in the present moment which I think is rather challenging. In my observation, the mind is a wanderer! 🙂 I don’t think anyone can stay in the present all the time constantly focusing and generating positive and loving thoughts.

Instead, I believe that, one can ‘heal’ oneself from the triggers and the sources of negative emotions that is in the past by embracing it all. As a result, I find, that one eventually stops creating reactions and negative emotion all together.

There can be many different approaches to healing and changing. This is mine.