Today is Ash Wednesday, and I was wondering what to focus on for this Lenten season.
So, what is my personal focus for Lent this year? What am I going to FAST on or LET GO OF?
My intention is to stand my ground and allow others to be in their upset without me being in reaction with them. I will only take responsibility for what is mine!
So, the story behind my Lenten intention is called ‘what makes a good person‘.
When I was a child I was told that good people are smiley, kind, agreeable, approachable, generous, disciplined, obedient and such, someone who makes others feel good and happy. So as a child, I strove to be good, not for myself really but for those around me. I wanted them to be happy. I made them laugh, I had good grades, I was on a successful gymnastic team, my kindergarten teachers wanted to adopt me and my elementary school teacher adored me. I won most competitions I entered.
I am a pest basically…I am constantly on somebody’s case about becoming aware of the reality of their existence. I want others to see how they fog their senses in order to avoid facing facts and often emotions. It is perhaps a bit cruel of me to do that but I believe it is also helpful. When you see the truth, you suddenly have different choices available to you. Sometimes this new choice is simply accepting that you cannot make a different choice! Hahaha!
I believe in seeing clearly.
I believe in seeing clearly.Though it is a painful process, it is also liberating. Until you become aware, you flounder. Until you see the truth of your existence, you cannot make different choices, you only pretend that you do. I must admit though that awareness is a gift of grace, it does not come naturally to us humans. The world we live in values false images and pretence, the great enemies of honesty and authenticity. When you become aware of the reality of your existence, your thoughts, feelings, fears, etc. you become authentic. It is only the first step to any change but it is a crucial one.
We are doomed. Looking at her, the way she retreats in fear, I understand how much we do not stand a chance in life. We were robbed as children of all our abilities by imbeciles. I cannot blame them either, though. There is a long line of abuse we were only a tiny part of. The result is lasting, however. We are here to observe our inevitable mortality and decay from a place of compete surrender.
No matter how angry I am at times at those who knowingly or not contributed to my dismay, there is only one way ahead: forgiveness and surrender.
My unforgiving-ness harms no other but my self. I keep myself stuck in a loop of horror and inconsolable despair. Until I fight for ‘justice’, for the wrong-doers to be punished,
I do nothing but recreate the pain and frustration of the long-ago.
I must understand that I can only be my own master if I let go of my grip on the past and surrender to the present. Only when I start seeing myself again in my own light, instead of gazing into some dimmed shadows, I will start having a chance in life.
But for now, I am an anger-ball who is only just learning to surrender to the reality of her existence – what there is, goes.