Me and my anger

Continuing on from THIS post on Dr Joe Dispenza’s explanation on our addiction to and identification with certain emotions.

OK, so I am angry.

I feel that my anger is completely justified. Those teachers were the scum under the feet of the dirt of the earth. I am absolutely unforgiving. I cannot find that bone inside of me that can make their act OK in any way. Teachers, who humiliate and sacrifice children on the altar of uniformity are the worst of the worst. They are the anthesis of their profession that swears on building people. These un-human-beings were so scared of originality and what it may entail that they did everything in their power to diminish it.

This is how I became angry … very, very angry. I felt helpless and lonely in the face of tyranny and the only was I could fight it was to become an obnoxious and rebellious fury. The system – particularity the education system – was established in a way that it weeded out the odd ones and buried them under a pile of shame, humiliation and low-self-esteem. Not surprisingly, that Hungary used to have one of the highest suicide rate per capita in the world.

PINK FLOYD ANOTHER BRICK IN THE WALL

Time flies. All this happened in the 70’s and early 80’s when I was a teenager. Probably the saddest part of this story is not what happened the but the fact that I am still angry. Like Dr Dispenza says, being addicted to an emotion that was a response to a situation in the past, that we are still engaging in today, is heart-breaking. We sacrifice our happiness for an emotion whose raison d’etre is long gone.

I notice that every time I feel helpless in communicating my need for being understood and embraced as I am or when I feel misinterpreted, I become very angry and edgy. I see that the learning for me is *to find the way to feel the true emotions underneath my anger, such as my fear or my sadness; *to communicate what is really going on inside of me the most self-loving way; *stay absolutely true to myself without being afraid because the The Wall has fallen :).

THE FALL OF THE BERLIN WALL IN 1989

ART helps me uncover myself. I am not very good at talking or writing about my feelings in the moment. Though I feel them profoundly when they appear in words I often don’t recognize them. My ART helps me stay in touch with the underlaying honest emotions of the moment, my sincere needs and my true identity.

Dr Joe Dispenza – Emotions

Memory without the emotional charge is WISDOM!

Dr. Joe Dispenza

Everyone has a ‘disposition’ to life and that disposition becomes his/her approach to life. As we identify with that disposition, we become it and can be identified by it.

As a child I was artsy and curious. The system I grew up in did not appreciate ‘different’ very much. So, I often suffered being ridiculed and shamed for my peculiar ways. As a response to my helplessness to stop people misinterpreting me and taking me the wrong way, I became angry … very, very angry! That ANGER has been running my life for decades. I identify with it. Most of my friends call me an ‘anger-ball’ because I get upset and angry very easily.

My mum’s emotional addiction is DEPRESSION. I don’t know what her story is exactly but I can easily see that her sadness over the way her life turned out to be became depression. She recycles her disappointment over her unmet expectations daily. She is stuck in an emotion that makes her life miserable.

My aunt appears to be a very bitter and unforgiving person. She is highly critical and patronizing. Asa child, she had to grow up very fast because her mum was not around. She had to take care of her younger sibling and her father. She became the bitterness of her lost childhood.

Negative emotions when we hold onto them long enough become our identity and our addiction. We keep on replaying the memory and the emotion related to it and so we become it. Whatever happened to us in the past, we can take the learning from it and become emotionally free from it. It is our choice to allow or not an emotion to tint our responses to our life experiences.

Standing up

I am living at a place right now where people do not really address their ‘problems’ with each another. Instead, they chose to feel upset, blame each other’s insensitivity to their problems, and expect each other to intuitively respond to their hurt or upset and resolve it. This general attitude creates a ripple effect where most people feel very uncomfortable, unheard, uncared for, and angry. It is lovely to live here, hahaha! 🙂

I am aware, however, that me being here is a fantastic opportunity to learn something that is essential for both my well-being and happiness. It is communicating with integrity and authenticity.

It is not particularly difficult for me to stand up for myself and to confront another person about something I don’t agree with or I don’t like. However, it very difficult to say all that in a way that I will be heard. Being angry is easy for me. Communicating my upset, hurt, dislike, disagreement in a way that is rounded and is not accusatory is hard for me. I have learnt from the best! 🙂 When I tell people what I don’t like, they always get upset. I understand that it is because I use a tone that is reprimanding.

I often swing between letting others get away with things that I totally don’t agree with and allow them to take advantage of me or I scream their heads of in my accumulated fury.

It literally takes me days sometimes to collect my real feelings and thoughts from under my anger and string it up in a way that they are informative, honest and unattached.

The problem is, you see, that in my upset by others’ behaviour that they are mostly completely unaware of, I get utterly lost in my own emotions which makes me incapable of communicating my Truth.

Standing up for myself does not mean that I am in the ‘right’ and allowed to pour all my upset and anger over the other person. It means that I have something to communicate that is important for me ‘unattached’ to the result which is the other person’s response. At the same time, I need to stay open to the fact that the other person may have something to say in response.

The key is, as I am realizing it now, to be able to stay centered. Being unattached does not mean that I am ‘emotionless’, it means that I am not talking from my emotions but from a place of clarity and integrity.

It is not my job to judge others’ behaviour but it is definitely my responsibility to express my dislike otherwise it ripples into illnesses and/or into situations where it does not belong.

Staying in the Loving does not mean that I am lovey-dovey and nicey at all. It only means that I communicate in a way that I do not blame or try to make the other person wrong. I just say what I am experiencing, unattached to what the other person may do in response, in a way that is aligned with my values.

I found this article in the New York Times. It talks about the difference of being aggressive and assertive which is similar to what I wrote above. LINK TO ARTICLE

The ART of Connecting

Well, I am not particularly good at ‘befriending’, I don’t think, anyway.

I find meeting new people in a social setting rather awkward. I can never ask the right questions, mostly because I am not really interested in other people’s jobs and marital status. I eventually find myself playing at the kids’ table or being alone looking at the wallpaper.

When I meet new people, I am excited to know people’s thoughts on Life and the way they see themselves, not their political agenda or their shopping list. Every person is a unique being with vastness of experiences and wisdom that I do not have. Except that in most cases it is buried under heavy social conditioning.

ART cannot lie. Every picture tells a story. Each piece of ARTWORK depicts its creator in the most unique way. It reflects the disturbances of the Ego-mind and the yearnings of the Soul.

When I look at someone’s artwork without trying to analyse it, I get a feel for the person who created it. I would not know their job or marital status, but I would be introduced to a small aspect of their being.

Looking at someone’s artwork allows me to connect with the ‘artist’ in a meaningful way.

Dickinson – ‘I am a poet’

Who are you?

As I am looking at the art I have created over the past three decades, I can see a person taking shape. A person I would not have met otherwise. By placing my experiences, dreams, visions, ideas on paper I made it possible for me to see me.

We believe creativity is a process of self discovery. … Through exposure to different projects and materials as well as making the big and small choices involved in the creation of art, the art process can begin to enhance the life long journey of self-discovery. Everyone creates, and everyone has their own reason for creating what they do. Explore Your Creativity. Become More of Who You Are.

ART MAKER STUDIO, San Francisco LINK to website

I love Emily Dickinson not particularly for her poetry but for the person who she was! I love her for her courage. She dared to look deep into her soul and put in paper what she found there regardless of the conventions of the time and disagreement of others. She boldly lived the person she was at heart: the poet.

If you want to know a bit more about Emily Dickinson, here is a funny and very entertaining video on her life and poetry.

Therapeutic-Art Enrichment Program will support you to recover your sense of creativity, ignite the Spirit within, and get in touch with the REAL YOU. It enables you to uncover and heal enervating thinking patterns so YOUR INNER LIGHT CAN SHINE THROUGH. 

NEXT

STARTS ON 26 JUNE 2021

Benefits

  • Gain deeper awareness of yourself – your thoughts and behavioural patterns that may or may not be supporting you in living the life you wish for yourself.
  • Become aware of your strengths, unique abilities, and your true interests, as well as some of your hindering patterns.
  • Discover your Essence – the core of who you are. Building on that, we enquire about your passion, purpose and true vocation.
  • Step towards your dreams using the supportive power of the group.
  • HAVE OODLES OF FUN!

FORGIVENESS

There are days when it is really hard for me to be GRATEFUL. When I am challenged on different levels by my environment so much that I simply cannot find the Divine inside of me. I cannot focus within enough to see the Light beyond my own and others’ disturbance. When the only feeling I can identify is anger, even though I know the underlying emotion is pain, this is when the only ‘dealing with it’ for me is FORGIVENESS.

In the mist of my unbearable anger and frustration, I start changing and then drawing

I FORGIVE YOU FOR CHOOSING THIS EXPERIENCE!

The ‘FORGIVENESS’ is ONLY for me. It is not my job to FORGIVE others. Sometimes, I add:

“Father, please forgive them because they do not know what they do!”

Luke 23:34
A forgiveness drawing

As you can see, sometimes, when I create my GRATITUDE JOURNAL, I am actually expressing FORGIVENESS for the things that disturb me because I cannot find the way inside of me to be GRATEFUL for them.

WHEN I FORGIVE, I RELEASE MY DISTURBENCES caused by my experiences!

WEEKLY GRATITUDE JOURNALING CLASS

This is a fun and practical class. We do a short meditation and listen to songs of Gratefulness as we create a piece of artwork related to what we feel grateful for in that moment.

The class is FREE OF CHARGE, ZOOM link is sent upon registration.

As you can see from this video, creating a Gratitude Journal entry feels like being a child again. We are not creating a piece of artwork that needs to look neat and accomplished. We are creating these pictures because IT IS FUN!

Why is self-awareness and insight so important?

Life is a funny kind of machinery.

Moments come and go, and all we do is react to them depending on how we perceive them. We either like them or we don’t. When we like an event we are happy and joyous, hoping there will be more similar ones to come. When saddening events are upon us, we tend to gloom, complain and wish they would never return.

Interesting we, humans, don’t tend to like or dislike the same things. We are particular in that way. I like or dislike something depending on how I perceive that event which depends on my previous experiences in similar events.

Have you ever noticed that if you concentrated on a certain colour or a type of car for instance, you suddenly start seeing them everywhere around you? That is how attention works. We internally decide – unfortunately mostly unconsciously – what to focus on. And where we focus that is where our attention is held.

As soon as you take your attention away from something it does not exits for you any more. I know that many of us are afraid that as soon as you ‘ignore’ an issue it does not disappear but you just become vulnerably to its effects.

I am not advocating ignorance. I wish to draw your attention to awareness and being present.

Being informed is different from being consumed. When you keep all your attention on something it grows in your consciousness. It is essential that you withdraw from the craze of the outer world and find console inside. Without awareness of the present moment and of your self being in that moment you don’t have choices. Your attention keeps on swinging from one topic to another whatever the world offers you at any moment in time. You are just a puppet in a muppet show.

Maybe, you would also like to know that your life does NOT actually HAPPEN ‘out there in the world’. It is a misconception. The brain cannot differentiate between you physically experiencing or just imagining an event. Your life experiences is therefore the result of your attention and where you direct it.

If your life is full of challenges and uncomfortable experiences then it is time to have a deeper look at where you ‘look’ most of your life – because it is where you are going! If you concentrate on the unfairness and hardship of life, this is exactly what you are going to get because this is where you engage all your energies.

As you become present you also start becoming clear on who you truly are beyond the layers of misconceptions (conditioning) and as a result you will surely realize what it is that make you truly happy. So, you can focus more on these things.

Life tends to cooperate greatly with undivided attention. So, why don’t you focus on your greatness and happiness instead of investing your energy in the gloom and doom of life?

More importantly, you could concentrate on the cup half full and ask yourself:

who am I and how can I experience my greatness?

Making a journey into your self offers great discoveries and enlightening insights! Finding your answer to the questions above can be a life altering experience.

(originally posted in April 2020)

“A self evident truth is that people who have a clear understanding of themselves enjoy more successful careers and better lives.”

Tasha Eurich, organisational psychologist

NEXT

STARTS ON 26 JUNE 2021

Benefits

  • Gain deeper awareness of yourself – your thoughts and behavioural patterns that may or may not be supporting you in living the life you wish for yourself.
  • Become aware of your strengths, unique abilities, and your true interests, as well as some of your hindering patterns.
  • Discover your Essence – the core of who you are. Building on that, we enquire about your passion, purpose and true vocation.
  • Step towards your dreams using the supportive power of the group.
  • HAVE OODLES OF FUN!

Hoppárézimi :)

Nem emlékszem, hogy hogyan szereztem tudomast a könyvről, de amint megjelent, megvettem es elolvastam. Többször is. Végtelenül inspirálónak találtam és ugyanakkor könnyeket fakasztóan mulatságosnak is Zemplényi Zoli történetét. Valahogy az egész életem más fénybe került általa. Hirtelen megértettem, hogy csak egy nyavajgó tini vagyok, akinek az élete unalmas és kényelmes. Életem kihívásai eltörpültek, és minden hisztim ellenére megértettem, hogy azon kivűl, hogy három tanár pikkel rám és anyám nem érti, hogy szerelmes vagyok, az életem kényelmes és tartalmatlan. Míg én azon tűnődik, hogy mit vegyek fel, mások az életükért küzdenek, vagy azért, hogy újra tólószék nélkül közlekedhessenek. A történet megértette velem, hogy az élet valahol, nagyon máshol van. Persze, akkor még csak éreztem, nem értettem mi történik. Ma azt gondolom, hogy Hoppárézimi története hozzá járult ahhoz, hogy élményekkel és kihivásokkal teli életet válasszak. Zemplényi kitartása, akarat ereje és humora biztositott arról, hogy nem csak túlélhetőek az élet adta pofonok, de mulatságosak is!

Renunciation

I surrender all personal plans to Spirit.

“It’s not always easy to understand that we are not being punished by God, when things go horribly wrong. We have to let go of any idea that we are something separate from God. We have to release any thought that we are somehow undeserving of God’s love. We have to cleanse our consciousness, purify our thoughts to reflect that we are the Beloved of God, that the Light of God is always within.”

Fillmore writes

“There must be a renunciation or letting go of old thoughts before the new can find place in the consciousness.” 

Charles Fillmore

Continue reading Renunciation

5 minutes on Life

“Life is like a box a chocolate, you never know what your going to get.”

Forrest Gump

In my experience, meaningful Life is about a personal evolution and a learning curve in which one needs to unlearn what is untrue and learn the truth about one’s true identity.

I think Life is very different for us all even though the aim is the very same. We all walk an individualized journey with one sole purpose, that is to become one with the Father.

Continue reading 5 minutes on Life