I am realizing that there is a level of compassions when one can justify murder.
Some people are miserable and in their misery, they attempt to rotten everything around them. In their anguish, the best course of action seems to be hurtful.
Every time, they are unpleasant I think that it is because they had a tough time as children. In her awful remarks, I see a small girl crying out for help. In his panic stricken scream, I see a young boy expected to become an adult too soon.
At first I fought them. Then I tried to change them. Finally, I accepted that this is who they are and that they cannot help the way they think and behave. However, in their misery, they leash out and hit everything in their vicinity. As result, they harm everyone around them, me included.
I am learning that being compassionate and understanding does not mean that you put up with ‘bad’ behaviour.
Very well, you may say, leave then, leave them behind. Yes, it is correct. The best course of action would be to leave. So, why don’t I? Why doesn’t an abused person leave his/her tormentors?
There are many answers to this question, I just share one, that I recently became aware of.
Dr Gay Hendricks names four main fears that creates low self-esteem – one of the reasons why we do not leave our abusers – that actually prevent us to move on with our lives: 1) the fear that there is something inherently wrong with us; 2) the fear of outgrowing others and leaving them behind; 3) the fear of having shattered somebody’s dream by existing being born; 4) the fear of being disloyal to somebody ‘important’ (eg. family member).
I can relate to all the above, but disloyalty is my biggie. For a Hungarian, there is no greater sin than being disloyal to your people. Hungarians have two National Anthems though the one I am talking about is not the official one. Szózat (see below) – Appeal or The Summons (depending on the translation) – that is often sung along the National Anthem, orders Hungarians to stay in their county and with their family no matter what. Otherwise, one is considered a traitor.
First time I left Hungary ( land of the Magyar) with the intention to never return was in 1990 a few months after the Berlin wall came down. We were now free to go anywhere we pleased after 50 years of political isolation.
I did not stay away long. After four months of staying in Mexico with friend, I got an opportunity to go to university so I returned to Hungary to finish my education. Next time I left was in 1996. It was really hard. My guilt ridden mind could not deal with the opportunity and I almost killed myself living the way I did in the Big Apple of New York.
I returned to Hungary in 1998 only to bury my beloved grandmother. I did not stay for long. I landed in the UK the same year and stayed there until 2004 without vising Hungary much or at all. I felt at home in the UK. I love the language, I could easily relate to the culture. My best friends are all Brits or semi-Brits anyway! 🙂
In 2004, I was given an opportunity to build an self-educational organisation from the ground up. So, I stayed in Hungary until 2011 when I returned to the UK. Soon Brexit threw us EU nationals out with the bathing water. I found myself settling down in Malta when Covid hit. I lost my job and my livelihood was threatened. In March 2020, I found myself back in Hungary again with my parents.
30 years in the making and I still have not been able to release my sense of guilt when leaving this place. I pop back like a boomerang every time I get close to settling down somewhere else.
What can I do now?
First of all, I must find the way to forgive myself; forgive my allowing to be manipulated by a cultural myth; forgive myself for not having the strength to overcome my fear of disloyalty. Then, I can turn to my Essence, the core of who I am and claim my right to be free. I will keep on claiming that I am free to chose my home until the part of me that is in fear of retribution can dissolve in the Loving Patience that I hold for myself. The rest is conscious expectancy.
Appeal (English)
Oh, Magyar, keep immovably
your native country’s trust,
for it has borne you, and at death
will consecrate your dust!
No other spot in all the world
can touch your heart as home—
let fortune bless or fortune curse,
from hence you shall not roam!
This is the country that your sires
have shed their blood to claim;
throughout a thousand years not one
but adds a sacred name.
‘Twas here brave Árpád’s mighty sword
ordained your land to be,
and here the arms of Hunyad broke
the chains of slavery.
Here Freedom’s blood-stained flag has waved
above the Magyar head;
and here in age-long struggles fell
our best and noblest, dead.
In spite of long calamity
and centuries of strife,
our strength, though weakened, is not spent;
our country still has life.
To you, O nations of the world,
we call with passioned breath:
“Should not a thousand years of pain
bring liberty—or death?”
It cannot be that all in vain
so many hearts have bled,
that haggard from heroic breasts
so many souls have fled!
It cannot be that mind and strength
and consecrated will
are wasted in a hopeless cause
beneath a curse of ill!
There yet shall come, if come there must,
that better, fairer day
for which a myriad thousand lips
in fervent yearning pray.
Or there shall come, if come there must,
a death of fortitude;
and round about our graves shall stand
a nation washed in blood.
Around the graves where we shall die
a weeping world will come,
and millions will in pity gaze
upon the martyrs’ tomb.
Then, Magyar, keep unshakeably
your native country’s trust,
for it has borne you and at death
will consecrate your dust!
No other spot in all the world
can touch your heart as home;
let fortune bless or fortune curse,
from hence you shall not roam!
Theresa Pulszky; John Edward Taylor
