(Note: this post was originally posted on 22 March 2022)
So, how is your Lenten season going?
Mine is going pretty well. Rather interesting! Honestly, it is beyond my expectations!
I am once again surprised at what different focus means. Just by setting an intention to ‘release’ any limiting beliefs during this season, suddenly, I am made aware of different patterns that I run within myself that do not serve me.
During my contemplations this Lenten season I became very clear of a pattern that I learnt as a child and also a pattern that I developed as a child in order to protect myself.
When I was a child under the communistic and socialistic ideology of a central European country, we were basically drilled to become soldier like creatures. The first and most important qualities of a human being were to be obedient and disciplined. We had to recognise authority, especially the authority of our superiors and the leaders of the party. We were even discouraged to think for ourselves but blindly follow command.
As a result of that, I became resentful but I still adopted to a great extend to the belief system of my environment. On the other hand, however, I became painfully aware that I was not a good soldier. I simply did not agree with the ways we were treated. And so, I became rebellious in an artistic way which meant that I was troublesome and so I was in detention constantly.
As a response to that and in order to protect myself from the constant scolding, I adopted a ‘service like’ attitude towards my main carers or people in a ‘caring’ position, figures of authority, so to feel safe in the world that seemingly detested me for who I was.
As my ‘service’ to those whom I needed to take care of me, I allowed to let their fears, frustrations and other unmanageable feelings down on me. I basically became a punchbag.
I suspect that I felt strong enough to take it all on. At the same time, I am sure that I was also afraid of being rejected from society and from the groups of my peers because I wasn’t able to get in line with all the other silent sufferers.
So, the other day, I had this painful experience where I noticed how I actually go about running this pattern. I found myself in a situation where I was in disagreement with a figure of authority whom I felt, I was dependent on for something. I noticed, how I made the conscious choice to allow him to run his fear and disagreement down on me using abusive language. I also realized that I was doing that in order to smooth out the discord between us. I’d rather hurt myself so the other person can feel better, hoping that this way he would accept me and support me.
I lived most of my life with this limiting belief and behavioural pattern.
On one hand, my learning is to know and understand that people have the ability to deal with their own issues, problems, fears, and challenges and I don’t have to step in and ‘save the day’. On the other hand, it is time for me to let go of the fear that I can be harmed or I won’t be taken care of, just because I think differently or disagree.
So this is my Lenten season revelation so far. As my release and renewal affirmation, I affirm that
I let go of my need to feel safe by diffusing situations with figures of authority. I let go and release feelings of inadequacy the drives me to take on more than my share in any situation. I embrace myself knowing that I am good in God just as I am. I am lovable, acceptable, and I don’t need to take over any additional burdens in order to be loved.
